Wednesday, June 3, 2015

On the Path to Healing

I was nervous about posting my last blog entry, but I'm glad I did. After I published it I felt relieved and got a sense of calmness. Opening up about personal things like that can be very hard for me, but the more I talk about my experiences I find that it makes me feel better and that I'm not alone.

So with this post I wanted to talk about some of the things I've been doing to cope with depression and anxiety and the healing process. I'll start with talking about the spiritual group meeting I mentioned in my last post. I found the group online and it seemed like an interesting group and something I wanted to learn more about. The day of the meeting I almost didn't go. I started making excuses as to why I should just stay home: didn't feel like driving an hour to get there, didn't feel like coping with meeting new people, didn't want to go by myself to a place I'd never been to before. Then the group organizer sent me a message about how she was excited to meet me. So I took that as a sign that I needed to leave my comfort zone and just quit worrying and go. When I got to the library and walked into the meeting room, I instantly felt pretty comfortable there. I felt soothed and comforted by the people and energy there, which was just what I needed. I won't go into the whole meeting but I did talk about some of the things I had been going through. I was actually kind of surprised at myself for opening up to this group of people as I'd normally rather listen and watch from the sidelines when I'm in a group of people. I'm glad that I felt comfortable enough to speak though. I was touched by many things that people said and by their own stories.

One thing that stands out to me is when one man started talking and one thing he talked about (and I'm paraphrasing here) was how I needed to look in the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful everyday. He said how dare we judge ourselves and question the way God made us. That really struck a cord with me. Part of what I've been working on is self love. I spent so long hating different things about myself. So after that I started to tell my body that I loved it, that I loved it just as I was now. Instead of thinking that I could love myself more if I was thinner, prettier, less flawed, I told myself I loved me now with all my flaws. Even if I didn't believe it deep down, I would keep saying it. I would say I love my fat belly. Haha Even though I don't, and I'm working on losing weight and being healthier. It's like I had to accept the person I was right now in order to heal and let go of those old thought patterns in order to become a better person.

We are so hard on ourselves sometimes. I am so much more critical on myself than any other person is to me. It's something I'm still working on, but I'm learning to love and care and nourish my body instead of punishing it for being human. My flaws make me who I am. I'm learning to accept and love all my flaws. I'm also learning to be patient with myself. I didn't get to this weight and unhealthy state overnight, so I shouldn't expect things to change overnight. I try to take one day at a time and if I make mistakes I accept them and tell myself tomorrow is another day and not beat myself up.

Another issue I've struggled with a lot is insomnia for a long time. My sleep patterns have always been off. I'm trying to regulate them more but I'm still a night owl and stay up all night a lot of the time and sleep during the day. It's so frustrating to be tired and just want to sleep at night. My body wants to stay up all night and sleep during the day a lot of times. Sometimes I just can't sleep no matter what, but another big part of it is that I just feel safer sleeping during the day. At night is when those old dark thoughts and feeling come into play sometimes and I don't feel at peace enough to fall asleep. The one good thing about staying up all night is that it seems like my creativity comes out then. I've started to draw and paint again after years of not doing that. It feels so good to pick up a paintbrush and swirl the color across that paper! It's something I've missed very much.

One thing I've found to cope with relaxing enough to fall asleep are sleep hypnosis videos on youtube. Jody Whiteley has so many videos and a lot of them are made specifically for depression and anxiety. They don't always work, but a majority of the time they do. Even if I don't always fall asleep, they do still usually make me feel more relaxed.

Another thing I've been doing a lot and learning more about is meditation. I've listened to a lot of guided meditations online. It's really been amazing how much that has helped. Prayer and meditation are my most important tools to healing. 

I also use some essentials oils. I have found some blends that really seem to help especially with the anxiety. It's something I'm still learning about, but they have made a difference.

I also use some supplements that help, especially when I remember to use them reguarly. One is inositol and another is magnesium.

One of the hardest things to be consistent with is exercise. I get bored with it very easily. Also I'm lazy a lot of times. Haha But walking really helps with the depression. Just being outside makes me feel better. I listen to fun music, or to something relaxing, depending on my mood and what I need at the time. Usually once I get outside and start walking I enjoy it. It's not even really about exercising to lose weight now. Being outside in nature has given me a lot of peace.

Being better and healthier is a process. I know I still have a ways to go. But I've started the process and that's the hardest part sometimes. I try not to beat myself up and quit after I have setbacks. If I quit things for a while, I just pick back up when I can instead of quitting completely.

I've also learned that all these things are things I need to do daily. For a long time I'd practice all this for a while and would feel better and then quit because I was feeling happier. Then of course I'd go through a low point. Then I'd start the whole process again. Even if I'm feeling good, I still have to do the meditations and all the other things. I have to do the upkeep and the work in order to stay better. It's not something just to do when I'm feeling bad, it's something to do all the time so that those low points don't come as often. It seems like common sense to know that it's a lifelong process, but when I'm feeling happy my brain wants to think that I'm better and don't need to do the upkeep anymore. But depression is not really something that's cured like that. So I'm working on making a better routine and doing the things I know that help keep me less depressed and anxious.

These are the main tools and things I'm doing now to get healthier. My mind is starting to change its old thought patterns. It's not always easy but I'm learning how to cope and what to do when the depression wants to come back. And that it's ok to just have a day where I hide away from the world as long as I know that I can't stay in bed forever and start going back to old routines and patterns.

I'm lucky to have my family and friends be supportive too. I'm very thankful for them. My boyfriend plays a huge part in my support system. I know he loves me and is there for me whenever I need him and that I can always talk to him about things when I need to. He can make me laugh and pull me out of my head when I'm feeling down. My best friend and her family are also a big help. They've done a lot for me over the years that I've known them and I love them very much. And of course my parents and sister are very supportive. My mom's strength has always given me strength. I remember when I was going through a rough spot, her telling me that we were strong and we didn't give up. She's always told me I could do anything I put my mind to. My dad's compassion for people and strong faith also inspire me. My sister who is one of my best friends. I'm so thankful to have a sister I'm close to. Someone who gets me and my weirdness. We always have fun together and I love her hugs.

So I'll close this now. Wasn't really planning on it being this long, but that's ok. It feels good to talk about it now. The more I talk about it and open up, the more it feels like I'm finally releasing all the negativity and darkness. I know it's still a journey, but I'm not scared anymore to work through my problems. And not having that fear is so freeing.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Into the Abyss and Climbing My Way Back Out Again

I've written some about my depression and how I've dealt with it, but this post will go a little more in depth. It is hard to write about, but I still felt led to write the words for some reason. Maybe it's just for me to put down the words for myself, or maybe it's for someone else to see.

I've looked back before and tried to pinpoint when it all started. I don't know if I can say there was one definite point that I can define when it started. I remember when I was young that my mom would call me moody sometimes, and I can remember just feeling kind of blue for no reason when I was a kid. I could be happy one minute and blow up in anger the next. It just got worse as I got older. I was in college when I started to have those really deep dark thoughts and feelings.  I think it was my second year of college that it started happening. I was getting burned out on classes and not knowing what I really wanted to do with my life. I changed my major several times, but I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to do for a career or where I wanted to go with my life. I got really down on myself. I stopped going to classes. I started failing classes, whereas before I was always a good student with A's and B's.  I started to really feel self loathing and self hate. I kept thinking why can't I figure this out? Why can't I get my act together when everyone else seems to know what they want to major in and what they want to do with their lives?

I can't say that I've always been the most confident person, and I have always been more shy and an introvert, but I've never hated myself as much as I started to hate myself then. I started to get so down on myself and started to shut down so that I wouldn't feel all these feelings. That was when I started to feel numb. I started to lose my sympathy and compassion for people that I have always felt. I'd see bad things happen to people on the news and I felt nothing. I knew that it wasn't normal but a part of me also didn't care because I was tired of feeling so much and feeling all these intense feelings all the time.

Now, this next part is the hardest to write about. And I hate talking about it. I've never really opened up about it to anyone before, although a few people do know about it. When I started to feel so much self hate but also the numbness, I started to cut myself. I think it was partly to feel something. I started to get so numb, that hurting myself was the way I could cry and release those emotions that I was trying to block. Looking back, maybe it was also a cry for help. I've always had a hard time asking for help with emotional problems. It was literally impossible for the words "I need help" to come out of my mouth. I still knew that I need help though.

I made an appointment to see the college counselor, which was hard for me to do. When I got there she was late, but had left a note on the door for me to wait for her. I almost ran away then, but I forced myself to stay and she showed up about 5 minutes later. I started to tell her what was going on with my depression, although I didn't open up about the cutting then because it was hard to talk about and I also felt ashamed about it. She was nice, but I just didn't felt like she helped much. She started to talk along the lines of how I was young and pretty and I had my whole life ahead of me. Yeah, maybe so, but that didn't have anything to do with my depression and how I was feeling. Maybe it would have helped more if I had opened up better with how bad things were, but I was just scared and not comfortable with talking about it. At the end of the session, I made another appointment to come back. I arrived for the 2nd appointment and again, she wasn't there. I don't think there was a note on the door, but there might have been, I don't really remember. I waited for a couple minutes, but then left. It kept running through my mind how hard it was to ask for help, and then when I finally did that they just couldn't bother to be there on time. She called and left a message later on the dorm room answering machine about me missing the appointment. So my roommate heard that I'd missed a counselling appointment. Her and another friend told me about the message and asked me what was going on. I don't really remember what was said, but I know I didn't really open up about what was going on. They went to one of the psychology professors to see if he could talk to me since I wasn't having good luck with the college counselor, but I never went because I was just frustrated and disappointed with things at that point. The cutting continued off and on for a while. I quit going to classes a lot of the time. The last semester I failed all my classes. I ended up going to another college and commuting for classes for the next year. Things weren't the greatest, but I wasn't feeling quite as depressed anymore, although I started to have panic attacks then. I made some new friends and was liking the change of scenery. I still wasn't sure on what to major in, and I changed majors a few times. I did ok with grades for the most part, although there were still a couple of of D's when I started to skip some classes. I finished the year and registered for fall classes to start my 2nd year there. At the beginning of the semester there was some screw up in the office and all my classes I had signed up for had gotten dropped. As I went to reregister for them again, I found a lot of them had already been filled up. I signed up for a couple of classes, but I was just frustrated at that point and starting to wonder if I should even stay there anymore. On a spur of the moment decision I withdrew from the classes and made the decision to go to tech school and get my Esthetician license. It ended up being one of the best decisions of my life. I had always loved makeup and skincare and beauty, and had thought before about being a Cosmetologist. But I never really wanted to do hair, it was the makeup I was passionate about, but I hadn't known until then that you could just specialize in skin care and get an Esthetician license. So I started classes and was really loving them. I liked my teachers, and the small group of women that I had classes with. I still keep in touch with some of them now. I felt like finally I had figured out a career and life purpose. I remember being pretty happy that year, but then at the end of the last quarter when it was time to graduate and get my license, I started to feel the depression come back. Maybe it was because I was going away from the school and my friends there and having to look for a job, which I was nervous about, I don't know. I remember one day my sister went with me to be my model for practice testing, and me telling her a little about how depressed I felt. I remember going to the bathroom after we got to school and crying and just feeling so lost and depressed. Later after we got home she told my mom how depressed I was feeling. Mama came and talked to me and I remember sitting on my bed and crying. The thing I remember most is her telling me not to lose my hope and that there is always hope and I mustn't ever lose it. Those words have stuck with me over the years. I keep the word hope in my mind all the time, especially during those dark periods. My mom is a very strong person and she gives me strength and I thank God for her and for those words that day.

So I finished up school and got my Esthetician license. I worked at one spa for a month and wasn't happy there, so I ended up finding another spa to work at for a year, then when that job situation changed I found a job at a cosmetics store. I really loved working with makeup and making women feel beautiful and good about themselves. I loved the people I worked with and my clients.

Then about 4 years ago I think, I had one of my darkest periods. It was around Thanksgiving and I was having major insomnia. I've dealt with sleep problems a lot, but never that bad before. Usually I go a day or two without sleep or maybe get an hour here and there. Just enough sleep to keep me going. It's a bit of a blur but I went about 3-4 days with no sleep. I think I might have caught about an hour or 2 of sleep during that time, but that's it. Looking back, it's a miracle I didn't crash my car driving to work with no sleep like that. God was watching over me for sure. I started having bad night terrors, and I was too terrified to even attempt sleep. I remember at one point being so exhausted and sitting in my bathtub in the water in the middle of the night scared out of my mind and praying that the daylight would get here soon. It was a bad bad bad time. There's nothing worse than feeling that fear and not being able to get away from it. I started seeing and hearing and feeling all kinds of things. I won't go into details about everything because I don't feel its time to, or if I will ever need to share those experiences.  Towards the end of that period, I remember going into work and it was a day I was working by myself. I was about to open the store and I was standing at the computer and just thinking that this was it. I felt like I was dying. I felt so bad and so tired and I had no idea how I would ever get through this and get better. I remember praying to God to please just help me. I know God sent me people that day to give me hope. I had one person tell me "God bless you" and smiling at me and I know that's a simple thing that happens fairly often, but it made me feel a little better. Another person drew a little smiley face on the credit card receipt. Small thing, but it made me smile to see it. Then the biggest help I got that day was a client that came in for a makeover that morning. She was very sweet and we started talking about church a little and various other things. I don't think I even had any other clients to come in during the time she was there, so we weren't interrupted. I just felt a lot of peace from her and she soothed a lot of my pain. I'm so thankful for her and for God sending her into my life at my lowest point. He answered my cry for help.  I finally passed out on the couch one evening and got some sleep. I finally started feeling better after that awful dark time. I learned things about myself then, and even though it's not like I ever want to experience that again, I made it through and it made me a stronger person.

The years after that were up and down times. I'd be ok for a while and then I'd get depressed again. I lost joy in a lot of things that I normally loved. I lost a lot of my creativity. Things just looked really bleak a lot of the time and I started to believe that that was just how my life was and I'd just have to do the best I could with it. Then last August I started to get pretty depressed. I started thinking that I really just didn't want to be on this earth anymore. Everything was too hard. It was too exhausting to get out of bed and face anything. Like I've said before, I wasn't suicidal but I did start thinking that death wouldn't be that bad and that I was ready to die. And that was a very scary thought. I didn't want to take my own life, but I didn't want to live anymore either. I started thinking about seriously cutting myself again, and wanting to do that hadn't happened in years. I knew it was time to ask for help when those thoughts started surfacing again. So like I explained in a previous blog I opened up to my boyfriend and got some help. I also found a spiritual group that I went to one meeting before the woman that organized it moved away. That day that I was sitting in the group was the beginning of my healing process I think. I felt such positive and loving energy and met some really interesting people. Some of the things people said really resonated with me and really started to change my way of thinking about some things. I almost didn't go that day, until the organizer sent me a message saying she was excited to meet me. For some reason that really pushed me to go there and I'm forever grateful for that experience. It started me on my journey of alternative healing methods. In my next post I will write more about the things I've been doing to heal, so I'll save all that for that post.

So that's my story a little more in depth for you. Not the easiest thing to let people read about, but I'm putting it out there anyway. I'll probably go hide under my bed covers after I post this. Opening up and exposing myself in this way makes me feel so vunerable, but at the same time I feel a great strength about it too. This is my story. This is who makes me who I am.  I'm grateful for all my experiences, good and bad. I went through those bad times for a reason. Life is a journey, and for the 1st time in a long time I'm excited to see where God leads me next.  

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Inspiring People and Websites

I mentioned in my last post, that I wanted to do a post on people and websites that I've found along the way that have given me inspiration and encouragement. So, here it is! I've found it helpful to have sites I can go to online, so that even when I don't feel like getting out of the house or being around people, I still get some social interaction and connect with people. Some of my favorites in no particular order:

One of the 1st people I started following online was Shakaya from I find her beautiful and very inspiring. She talks a lot about self care and loving yourself. That's one of my issues I'm working on, and her blog posts have helped me a lot in that regard.

Another lady that's helped me changed my mindset is Adrienne Martin from She did a couple of online workshops that I followed and they helped me immensely. She taught me that it's ok to not be happy all the time. That it's ok to just acknowledge that I'm having a bad day and to feel those feelings and to just be. Not strive to be happy every single day. It's just not possible. Some days I have to just be and know that this moment and these feelings will pass. I also find it interesting that she always seems to pop up with posting something online just as I was needing to hear it.

Swati at is another good person I follow. Of course, she had me at purple but she has a lot of good information about meditation, energy healing, angels, and other things too. I just find her a very comforting and loving person and her posts and energy make me feel comforted.

Anna Taylor at  is an Angel Therapist® and I find her to be very sweet and loving. I love her messages and posts from the Angels.

Eileen Anglin at is someone who I have recently found online. She works with Angels, meditation, and more.

The Rewild Your Life group on Facebook has been a lot of help to me in getting out of the house and back out in nature. Even on days where I just want to stay in my bed, I can still scroll though everyone's pics that they posted and it helps me to feel connected to nature and inspires me to get back outside myself. On their website, you can sign up for their 30 day challenges where they give you a theme and task to do each day. You can take a pic and post in the FB group of each theme and it's fun to see other people's perspectives and interpretations of the theme. I really am thankful for finding this community of people.
Instagram: @wearewildness

Butterflies and Pepples has some really inspirational writings.
Instagram: @butterfliesandpebbles
She also has and etsy shop:

I really love Becky Vollmer at For so long I felt stuck in my depression and other problems, and in my perceived reality. I've learned it's never too late to change your situation and that I am not stuck. This blog has a lot of good information and inspiration.

Puja Madan from is a life coach and I really enjoy her personality. She has a lot of good information on her website.

Emmanual from is another person I've recently discovered. His energy immediately attracted me. His soul feels very beautiful to me. I love his story, which you can read here:
FB: is another good website. I love their FB page with inspiring quotes from a lot of different people.

There are others I follow and love but these are the 1st ones to come to mind right now. I think that I will do another post with more blogs I like, such as lifestyle and food blogs. Hopefully all the links above work. If they don't, please leave me a comment telling me so I can try to fix them.

I'm really grateful for finding these people and sites just when I needed them. Sometimes the smallest thing can pull you out of your despair and depression and your darkest times. I had days or nights where I just felt so so bad, and like nothing was ever going to get better for me. I'd scroll down my FB feed or Instagram and I'd see a pic or a quote that would relate to what I was feeling at the time. I'd have a little spark go off in my head that would say, "See, you aren't alone in this. People out there understand and love you."

So I hope that you will find these pages inspiring to you, or that you find someone you can relate to whether it be online or in person. I tend to shut people out when I'm hurting a lot of times, so I find it helps to have online sources to help me when I don't feel like I can go up to someone in person for help or I just don't feel like talking to anyone face to face.

Remember that there are people out there that love you and accept you as you are right in this moment. They want you to be happy and live out your hopes and dreams. Please don't feel like you are in this alone. The world (especially the world inside your head sometimes) can seem so harsh and ugly and unforgiving, but there is still plenty of good and joy out there. If you are in a bad place and hurting, please reach out to someone for help. All it takes is saying something as simple as "I need help." I know it can be so hard to admit, but it's not a weakness to say you are struggling and need help. People need each other, and we aren't meant to be alone. If you have no one to turn you in your life, then find someone online to help. Or ask God, the Divine, the universe, whatever you believe in to send help to you. You are always welcome to email me at or message me at the blog's FB page if you need someone to listen to you. I don't have all the answers and I'm still working on getting myself better, but sometimes it helps just to have someone there to listen. So I will be your listening ear that doesn't judge you.

Hope you are having an awesome weekend!

*I don't own any of these images in this post. All creators have their watermark or website on the pic. I copied most, if not all, from their FB pages.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Being Open to Blessings

For the past six months or so, I've really been trying to work on myself. Trying to get healthier physically, mentally, emotionally. It's a continual journey that has its ups and downs and it's dang hard sometimes not to want to just give up and go back to the numbness. But every time I get discouraged, I try to look back on the times I kept myself open and remember the blessings that were sent my way. I try to remember the times I wrote about my struggles or talked about it with someone and discovered that I wasn't so alone after all. 

I'm learning more every day that happiness does come from within and that other people can bring you joy and happiness and encouragement, but that I must work on my own emotions and really dig deep and feel those feelings in order to understand and accept them. I also understand now that it's OK to have a bad day or a bad week or even a bad month. To accept those feelings and know that it won't last forever. I'm working on finding tools that help inspire me and bring me peace when I go to that dark place of depression. I'll have to do a blog post someday of websites and people I've found online that inspire me. A lot of times someone will post on Facebook or another social media site something that really resonates with me just when I need it. I know when I stay open that I see the blessings around me. And I realize they were there all along, I just couldn't see them when I was shutting everything out. I thought everything and everyone were moving so far away from me, but in reality I was the one moving away and shutting people out a lot of the time. 

I'm always amazed and feel blessed when people pop up at just the right time to provide encouragement or to show me that I'm headed in the right direction. For example, a couple days ago my bf and I were stopped at a rest area and we were outside changing out the fog lights on the truck. (My bf is a truck driver and I'm on the road with him now.) We had shut down for the day because of the weather and it was snowing a lot. My bf was changing out the fog light and I was playing the lovely assistant. A man comes up to the truck and says hi to us. At 1st we were thinking it was just another person asking for money or selling something because that happens fairly often to truck drivers. But he asked for our names and said he wanted to put us on his prayer list. He said he knows that truck drivers don't always get to make it into church, so he goes out into the community to talk to people. He told us he was a soldier (can't remember what branch of the military now). It really was a nice moment. He wasn't pushy or preachy, just simply wanted our first names to write down so he could pray for us. It reminded me that there are still people like that out in the world. People who walk around a rest area in the snow so that they can pray for people. 

So even though life isn't always nice and I get frustrated easily, I try to remember moments like that. That even when things seem dark, just believe and put out positive thoughts, and that positive energy will come back to you. 

One site I found recently on Facebook has a lot of good inspirational quotes. Sometimes just reading an encouraging quote helps me keep my positive attitude.

Like I said above, I'll try to do a blog post soon of all the websites that have been helpful to me lately. 

Have a Happy Monday!